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Archive for October 2017

 
 

Tips for Balancing Freedom and Safety

Allowing your child more freedom often feels linked to concerns for their safety. Younger kids want to ride their bike beyond their street. Preteens want to hang out with friends after school in the town center. Teens want to go to parties. Older teens ask to to borrow the car to drive with friends. Their job is to become more independent, push limits when appropriate, explore the world and gain knowledge through direct experiences. Your job is to encourage this process of growth and development, but safely and smartly.

But parents can easily freeze up when they face these parenting situations. They run the latest news headlines through their mind and feel fear. When you allow fear and worry, or even anger, to surface during your parenting, you aren’t your best. You’re leading your kids with your emotional brain centers – you are parenting via your primitive Limbic System. When emotional, you lose access to the most important parts of your thinking apparatus, your executive functions and decisions-making abilities. You want to parent with your frontal cortex!

Here are a few tips.

  • Don’t make parenting decisions while emotional. Decision-making should always be a logical task. Follow basic steps to slow the process down and follow procedures and rules. Never make important decisions on the fly. Always enlist other viewpoints, such as checking in with spouses, trusted relatives, friends, other parents, maybe even teachers and coaches.
  • Watch less cable news. Studies show watching news events on screens too long, particularly 24/7 cable news, can leave you with more traumatic feelings than people who were actually at those events. You aren’t getting the news or staying informed, as much as overstimulating your limbic system. You believe the world is far less safe than it actually is.
  • Stop over-communicating your fears to your children. Tell them “this is what I think, and sometimes feel this way, based on what I know…” vs. “It’s dangerous to do that… Kids get killed all the time doing… ” When you communicate what you are fearful of more calmly, it helps to keep your child or teen calm as well.
  • Devise a simple plan that rewards greater freedom for small steps of compliance. Keep moving your kids further out into the world in graded steps, tied to them showing small gains.

Please contact Dr. Rao about reproducing any material found on these pages.

Q&A: How to restore balance at home

Question and Answers on speech bubblesI love my kids, but I’m exhausted and I think they are too. Any tips for restoring some balance to our home life?

Exhausted? That means you’re expending too much energy to run your household. Maybe you’re trying too hard. Most parents I know work to be their “best” and to do everything for their kids. I think they’re putting unrealistic expectations on themselves. Rather than trying harder, try this:

  • Shift your mindset. Start thinking of yourself more as a leader (and not only as a parent). When we approach parenting as a set of leadership skills, the job becomes clearer and more gets done. First lead yourself. Get calm, collected, never yell (it only makes you look weak).
  • Avoid perfection and over-scheduling and don’t expect your kids to always be happy. That’s not possible or realistic. Good leaders are also in charge of what their environment is like.
  • Be thoughtful about what you allow into your home. Foremost, control high stimulation. Watch exposure to screens and negative news broadcasts. Set up your house to be a place where people face each other and talk.
  • Be aware of hyper-stimulation, information overload, noise, disorganization, and multitasking. These all tap your energy and rev up your nerves.

Above all, focus on the big picture – tell yourself what really matters is happening right now… right in front of you. That’s mindfulness, and it helps you appreciate precious moments. Start enjoying the time you have with your children. They won’t be young forever.


Please contact Dr. Rao about reproducing any material found on these pages.