Sibling Rivalry is something parents ask about all the time. Recently, a Facebook mom came to me for help when she heard her son call his younger sister” dumb” when she was trying to count backwards. Here’s how I handle this kind of behavior:

Think back… nothing feels better than to eliminate the competition, so to speak (put down a younger sib in front of parents and you suddenly look smart and win!). It’s primitive, I know, but it’s a part of all of us to some extent. So the trick is to do something more positive about it while not paying it too much attention (and thus accidentally rewarding and encouraging it in the future). What I would do is not get into every moment of their back-and-forth or every sib skirmish. Let most of them fly by – a few build character.

Instead, lay out clearly the lines that can’t be crossed (certain words, overly aggressive tone, put downs/name calling that pick on a person’s body or appearance or abilities…), and forget trying to “teach” boys about being nicer with words. They’ve heard these well-intentioned lectures before. Best to tell them it’s a choice if they want to be mean or bully or inappropriate with their words, but it will cost them something real and automatic. No warnings or second chances: fifteen minutes in their room;  loss of dessert (if it happens at a meal);  being excused early from an activity, or chipping off screen time by 10 minute intervals.

Always stay calm and collected (if you show too much emotion, he’ll likely cue in that it’s worth trying more of in the future.) Check out my YouTube video on sib rivalry too at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=orM8_-og58Q

Name-calling is a difficult behavior for parents to change, particularly in young, active boys. But its a problem among all kids and at all ages. The challenge is that name-calling is a very frequent behavior (it can occur at any time of day, and up to 20-30 plus times a day), and because its frequent, it slips by our radar screens. Many episodes don’t get addressed. After a while, they become routine to young children, and the adults around them.

Its different when a child hits or punches or swears. Those behavior are much less frequent. They stand out. They are obvious to tag as “problem” behaviors. Hence, parents and teachers tend to jump on these more quickly and tend to address them more effectively.

Here are some ideas for decreasing name-calling.

1. Figure out when and why the name-calling is happening. It might be something a boy likes to do in order to get a rise out of people. It might be related to specific events or people. Ask yourself, are there any times of day that name-calling tends to occur more often. Such as before nap, when tired, before or after specific transitions, indoors versus outdoors, during unstructured activities, eating, or when on the playground? Ask yourself, are there certain people who get called names more often than others, such as, peers, siblings, or parents? Usually there are patterns. Finding a pattern is helpful in isolating some of the situational things that we can control and helps us be more prepared to parent effectively.

2. You need a strategy. This is what i recommend. Pick one “bad name” or “name-calling episode” to focus on. Clearly tell your son or daughter that “from here on… anytime you say (bad name), you will get a time-out or I will take something away”. Make certain your child is looking at you when you say this – and ask him or her to repeat it back. That way, there’s no confusion over what the new rules are. If a child is older than 5 or 6, you can try to list a few bad names or “all bad names” and try to attack the problem more aggressively.

3. Then act! When your son or daughter name-calls (and boys tend to test you on this…), you can place him or her in the corner of a room and look away, and make sure you completely ignore them for few moments. If they escalate with worse behavior, ignore them longer. You can also remove whatever your child is playing with, or is engaged with, at that time.

4. Stop using words or warnings or lectures about why name-calling is not nice. They know its wrong. Verbal reminders and lectures don’t work, particularly on boys. For boys, when they experience a spatial change (like going to another part of the room or having an object removed) they notice and can more easily shift their behavior. Older boys or girls can go off to their room for a few minutes. They will want to return to where its more social and fun – and that’s the motivation to change.

Know that if a young boy or girl can get get your attention (even negative attention) for name-calling, they will often pursue it. Its not that they are a bully or a budding sociopath. It may be that they are making a game of it. Boys, for example, tend to like using words to feel powerful and to get reactions from others. Again, talking to a boy and warning him will not tend to help very much in changing his behavior – and actually – it might make things worse. It feeds him more attention.

5. Catch kids not doing it! Realize that if the behavior isn’t happening when it usually does, your child is working to suppress it. That deserves something positive. You can tell your son or daughter something like this: “Hey, you’ve been doing a good job not calling your sister a name. Here’s a hug…”

6. Always remain calm. Don’t let your son or daughter see you get angry. That only increases a child’s stress, adrenalin, or may accidentally empower him or her. Be calm, look away, talk less, and use changes in the environment to make your point (pulling objects away, briefly sitting off to the side, ignoring them for a while, sending them to their room, etc.).

I hope these suggestions help. Certainly, we need to give kids some space to express themselves and their emotions through words, even words that are powerful. Sometimes those words aren’t nice and have the potential to hurt others. Other times, these words do serve a purpose socially. They can let others know we are angry. The goal here is to focus on only those words that are most hurtful and inappropriate and apply the above techniques.

Finally, and maybe most important, don’t forget the old phrase… Monkey see… Monkey do…. Keep in mind your kids are watching your every move, and they learning more by what you say and do, rather than what you tell them they should do!

It’s hard to believe it’s that time again. As we aim to get the most out of our last days of summer, remember that your kids need more than school supplies to be ready for school. Here are three tips:

1. Start easing back into the school schedule. It’s common to let bedtimes (and wake up time) slip during the summer, but if you don’t ease back into the school routine, you’ll have some very tired and cranky children on your hands. Start pushing bed time back to normal in short increments over a week or two, rather than a big change right before school starts.
2. If your child is anxious about their first day back, do a “dry run”. Go visit the school and grounds a few times in the week or so leading up to school. Plan something fun afterwards. Just seeing the school under less stressful circumstances can help kids feel much more relaxed.
3. Look for the warning signs that your child may be stressed. Younger kids show it differently than older kids. Younger kids will be more clingy, tantrum, may have problems falling asleep, and may complain of headaches and stomach aches. Older kids may become quiet, withdrawn, irritable, and more uncooperative. Then sit your kids down and acknowledge what’s happening. Tell them this is a tough time for everyone… parents, teachers, and especially kids. Just labeling it – giving it a name – will help.

What’s your tip for gearing up to back to school?

You don’t want to raise a Tattletale. But, you also want to teach your children to speak up when it’s important. Here’s a way for you to teach them the difference.

I recently met with an 11 year-old who received an in-school suspension for shoving another boy to the ground. The reason? The other boy cut in front of him while waiting to go to a social studies class. The irony was impossible to ignore. I asked him, “Sam, what gives? You’re waiting in line to get to social studies… to learn about why its important that civilized people group together, understand themselves better, and then you slam your classmate onto the ground…?”

Sam laughed, and so did I. His parents might have been horrified that we had conspired, just us two guys, to celebrate the way of boys, or worse, how he treated a fellow student.

“He deserved it. You don’t cut!” Sam announced, like it was a law of the jungle.

He’s got a point. The other boy was taking a huge risk in stealing Sam’s place in line, breaking the social order of things, and challenging Sam’s status. Maybe Sam could have done something more measured, thoughtful, asked politely for the student to give him back his rightful spot, or better yet, ask a teacher to intervene. But in a boy’s world, telling a teacher, and not relying on oneself to fight off another guy’s intimidation, is tantamount to wearing a pink tutu in gym.

We may not like hearing that. We would like to believe that boys can learn to navigate the rules of society better, seek out an authority figure to help manage disagreements, and in time they do, but for years to come, this is the way guys like Sam, and his alpha-leaning foes think. We’d like to believe we adults are above many of these primitive ways. Turns out, we aren’t that far removed from the same childhood impulses and uncivilized tendencies that these boys struggle with. We’re just better at suppressing them.

Case in point. While I no longer have to wait in line before social studies class, I do find myself in similar situations to that of Sam. Yesterday at Starbucks, I wanted to yell at the woman standing in line ahead of me. She retrieved her change purse slowly, only after the amount rang up, and counted out coins like they were rare museum relics. She was no rookie. This wasn’t her first time buying coffee. I know, because I get often stuck behind her when I go for my afternoon coffee break. She’s slow and methodical. That’s just the way she is.

All day long we encounter situations like this, but we don’t push or shove. Instead, we hit our personal pause buttons. We wait, delay our needs or gratification, and let others have equal share of resources. We’d prefer it was different, that we could always maximize our pleasure and avoid pain, but we’ve come to understand that that can’t be the default setting. It’s taken us a lifetime to push back these natural instincts and we’re always working at it. We can’t be lone wolfs or behave like alpha dogs when it suits us. It’s harder for boys to suppress these urges. They are naturally grabby, in your face, powerful, and physically active.

I told Sam that I understood his anger. I point to my Starbucks cup and share my story of frustration, of having to wait my turn and having to tolerate others. I explain that the law of the jungle can’t be every man for himself. Rather, its act civil, hold off, wait your turn, share, or you’ll be pushed out of the group and left alone. Sam asks why. Why be nice if someone is driving you crazy, other than to avoid getting into trouble. Why is it so important to be in a group?

I explain that being alone isn’t just boring and sad, its downright life threatening when we need to pool resources and survive in a constantly changing world. Its how people survived and adapted through thousands of years. Sam’s question forces me to think more deeply about my experience in line and the value of others. Maybe that methodical woman who slowly counts her change at Starbucks has talents and skills that could save someone’s life. Maybe she’s a meticulous surgeon who won’t be rushed, or a fair-minded judge that carefully weighs all the evidence. Maybe she’s a great teacher who doesn’t rush through lesson plans but finds the lesson in all things and takes the time to explore.

I tell Sam I’ll make an effort to think of all this the next time I’m frustrated waiting in line, at the DMV, at the movies, when boarding an airplane, or tomorrow, when waiting for that lady to count her change. He makes a promise to try and do the same at school, and not shove someone the next time they cut in line and won’t wait their turn.