Sibling Rivalry is something parents ask about all the time. Recently, a Facebook mom came to me for help when she heard her son call his younger sister” dumb” when she was trying to count backwards. Here’s how I handle this kind of behavior:

Think back… nothing feels better than to eliminate the competition, so to speak (put down a younger sib in front of parents and you suddenly look smart and win!). It’s primitive, I know, but it’s a part of all of us to some extent. So the trick is to do something more positive about it while not paying it too much attention (and thus accidentally rewarding and encouraging it in the future). What I would do is not get into every moment of their back-and-forth or every sib skirmish. Let most of them fly by – a few build character.

Instead, lay out clearly the lines that can’t be crossed (certain words, overly aggressive tone, put downs/name calling that pick on a person’s body or appearance or abilities…), and forget trying to “teach” boys about being nicer with words. They’ve heard these well-intentioned lectures before. Best to tell them it’s a choice if they want to be mean or bully or inappropriate with their words, but it will cost them something real and automatic. No warnings or second chances: fifteen minutes in their room;  loss of dessert (if it happens at a meal);  being excused early from an activity, or chipping off screen time by 10 minute intervals.

Always stay calm and collected (if you show too much emotion, he’ll likely cue in that it’s worth trying more of in the future.) Check out my YouTube video on sib rivalry too at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=orM8_-og58Q

One Facebook parent recently asked: how do you stop the unprovoked violence between brothers? While I don’t know her boys, I can give some general tips that work for brothers (and sisters) that resort to being very physical, in their play – and in their disagreements:

1. Work closely with them to determine boundaries. Wrestling is OK, hitting is not. Grabbing an arm is OK, grabbing privates or hitting faces is not. You may wrestle in the playroom, but not in the living room. Your list may be different – but it’s important that each family member has a say in the boundaries. If they participate in making the rules they’ll be more likely to follow them. Rehearse these rules with them and agree to them before any rough play starts. Make a chart of them if you want and post it.

2. Once physical boundaries are set, create specific verbal boundaries. Hitting or wrestling cannot be a substitute for words. If you are angry or upset, you talk about it or walk away, you don’t hit. But, if you are deciding it’s time for a WWE tournament, “STOP” or some other “safe word” must be respected ALWAYS. Some parents enforce a “tap-out” rule. This works great when things heat up. Either child can simply tap the other with their fingers or hand – a signal that no matter what it’s agreed that the wrestling immediately stops. No exceptions. If the rule isn’t adhered to… wrestling privileges are taken away.

3. Keep the rough play to a minimum (use a timer with a bell). Set specific times for physical play – and specific times for settling down. And the same is true for together time and alone time. Make sure everyone in the family – including you – gets some quiet time from the yelling and the wrestling.

4.  If there’s more fighting than playing… you need to step in and send both kids off to separate quiet places until they calm. Both get equal time away. Be aware that they’re often fighting to get your attention, or to get their sibling in trouble. Don’t take the bait. Equal time away from each other (and you) works best.

Can you raise boys without raising your voice? Absolutely. Not only is it better for your blood pressure… speaking with calm authority and with purpose works better. Raising your voice only makes you look powerless. Truth is, boys don’t make great eye contact, and in general, also don’t pick up on our spoken words as easily. If you yell, you’ll only look frustrated, and accidentally model anger. When your son ignores you… try this instead:

1. Get eye contact first. Without him looking at you, you don’t have his full attention. Eye contact is very powerful and doesn’t let him off the hook. He can’t pretend he didn’t hear you the first, second time, or the twentieth time you asked him to pick up his socks or shut off his computer.

2. Once you have eye contact, tell him to repeat back what you’ve asked of him. This makes your words his words. It’s now in his head and he can’t as easily ignore what you’ve said. It forms a contract between you.

3. Attach a simple consequence. Pick up your things first, and then we can leave for the park… I’m coming back in a few minutes and if you’re not dressed, then automatic loss of screens tonight when you get home from school. it’s your choice… Repeat what I’ve just said… good… hope you make a good choice and earn the reward…

Remember to use a firm voice, but without much emotion. No second chances. Follow through with the consequence or else you look weak and willing to bend. Boys like a challenge and will try to engage you in a fight. Stay calm and walk off. By doing these simple three steps over and over at home, he’ll develop good social habits for when he’s asked to follow through at school on things he doesn’t like or finds challenging.