Is your homework done? Not listening or distracted? Have you been fidgety during circle time? Then you lose recess. Taking away recess is an all too common punishment used in elementary schools across the country – and it has to stop.

Recess is a necessity. A child’s health, both physical and emotional, requires they break from sitting long hours at school and preferably get outdoors for a minimum of 15 minutes. Two breaks per long school day are justified. At least one should be mandatory. Recess not only keeps kids healthy, it improves their ability to learn. Studies tell us that outdoor time (and recess) help children calm their bodies and focus their minds when they return to classroom work.

Unfortunately, schools are cutting recess short. Some have eliminated recess altogether, mainly to prep kids for highly pressurized standardized tests. This is not only shortsighted it’s dangerous. Rates of ADHD have recently risen to epidemic levels in the US, as high as 20% among older boys. Many of these boys will be placed on medication. Misdiagnosis is a serious problem and some of it is made worse by not allowing enough opportunities for physical movement and/or outdoor playtime.

It’s time to speak out. Let’s demand that recess be a mandatory part of every child’s school day.

Is it normal for very young kids to become suddenly afraid of new or even familiar things? Fear of the night? Fear of dark? New places and people? Unexpectedly, a favorite TV character or type of food sends your child over the edge? They cry. Get clingy. What’s going on? And how should parents handle this?

First off, I coach parents to remain calm. Like a virus, anxiety is contagious. We pick it up from kids and they pick it up from us. We pass it back and forth between us all day and it only gets stronger. Don’t overreact or show concern when a new fear arises. Keep a calm outward appearance. Use a strong, supportive voice… You seem afraid of that… that’s fine. But it can’t hurt you. You don’t need to say much more than that. If you talk about it or ask lots of questions, you’ll accidentally be rewarding (and encouraging) your child to be afraid. Attention is that powerful. If your child keeps at it, repeat the phrase a few times. Keep your voice calm but firm, and keep your poker face on. Kids look at our faces continually for signals that something dangerous may be happening. This is called social referencing. It’s an innate survival tactic. Kids might think, If my mommy or daddy look scared or concerned, there must be something wrong… bad things could be lurking. We use it too. Check out how often you look at others to figure out what’s happening in a situation that’s vague or uneasy. If we read negative cues from others, our anxiety hits the roof. Kids do this more frequently than us and they have more intense reactions to it.

Next, I explain to parents what might be happening. Think development. There may be a new re-wiring in the brain taking place. Kids go through this all the time, and more frequently in their younger years. Before they make a developmental change or leap, they can fall apart temporarily. I call this “the storm before the calm”. Think of it as things temporarily going haywire while new and improved updates are being downloaded. Wait it out and you often see your child better behaved or suddenly showing a new skill.

I also ask parents to take a fast inventory of what’s going on in their lives and try to lower the stress. What’s going on with them and their partners, their work life, is someone close to them sick? Kids are like barometers and pick up the anxiety. It’s that contagious. They react (often in unpredictable and strange ways) to the stress we’re trying to navigate through or holding into. Job or economic problems, worries about a health issue, marital stress, even positive things like renovating a home or moving to a better place can cause temporary fears to suddenly appear in young kids.

Finally, if fears persist beyond a few days or week or two, I ask parents to let me know and to also talk with their pediatrician about it. Child professionals can help parents determine if something bigger is going on. We look to see if it’s an isolated incident, or if a child is regressing in other areas. Has their typical functioning changed? We don’t want to panic or worry unnecessarily, but we also don’t want to miss anything important. Usually though, fears pass through. They tend to shift over time, and are a part of how our brains are hardwired. As the old saying goes, there’s nothing to fear but fear itself. In this context, I would update that to… There’s usually nothing to fear about fear.

This is a frequent question we ask ourselves when we’re feeling stuck. Don’t fret or feel immobilized. In fact, feel optimistic. Asking this question is usually what comes before we get serious about real change. What’s important to know is that the human brain isn’t a static organ. It’s unbelievably interactive with everything outside of it. Any time you’ve traveled to a new place, tried a new recipe, met a new person… Your brain had to modify itself, adapt, lay down new neural paths. All learning is based on changing the brain and it doesn’t stop because we age. So the answer is a resounding YES, we can change how we think.

One problem…

The brain has its own agenda. It doesn’t like to change unless it’s important to do so. It takes work and resources to change, and like a good work-out, can feel exhausting. It would rather change the world around it or keep things the same. It’s not sitting in our cranium always hungry to learn unless we (and we are our brain) consciously give it permission and push it forward. Otherwise, its default setting is to keep everything steady and familiar, even trimming reality a bit here and there to fit its view of things. As we enter adulthood, we tend to trim more and more. In other words, we cut reality out along with squeezing things to fit current ways of thinking. That’s why it seems hard to reverse course and let our brains adapt to what’s new. The great psychologist Jean Piaget had a name for this. He called it accommodation. We don’t like accommodating our brains to brand new ways of seeing the world. Some of us even do more than avoid it – we fear it.

So accept the fact that learning is uncomfortable, even hard at times, but we should welcome and not resist that feeling. It means we’re thinking differently. We’re growing. getting better. When we allow ourself to change our thinking, behavior will soon follow. Better viewpoint leads to more positive, optimistic actions. We’re more likely to get out of our ruts, stay healthy, and have better interactions with children, spouses, family, and friends.

Many parents talk about “redshirting” their kids for Kindergarten, or holding back their children in hopes of building confidence and giving them an edge in the future..  Overall, not pushing a child too much beyond his developmental age is smart… then he can gain some confidence along the way.

What’s confidence any way? Confidence is about the accumulation of two things. Achieving positive outcomes along the way and experiencing failures safely (and turning them around through effort). This is why the experts always tell us to reward effort – not only achievement. The prize may not be 1st place or a top grade, but treading through and getting better and better at things… not giving up. I speak from experience. My high school chemistry teacher pulled me aside one term and said “I know you struggle in this class. I know your friends get A’s easily. But keep in mind your C grade in my class is one of the best grades I’ve given out. I see how hard you’re working. You keep at it, even though it seems you’re not succeeding. You are. You’ll see what I mean later in college.”

He was right. I didn’t know it at the time, but Mr. Cunningham was rewarding my effort, not my achievement. When I hit college and graduate school, all that training at being persistent paid off. I excelled, while peers (those who hadn’t experienced as much challenge in high school) began to struggle. I’ll never forget that moment from 30 plus years ago. Thank you Mr. Cunningham, wherever you are.

My advice to parents is this: The early years of school shouldn’t be about maintaining high achievement. That sets up unrealistic expectations that a child has to be perfect. That can lead to them backing off of real challenges later in life for fear they can’t tolerate the prospect of making mistakes or missteps. Conversely, it’s also not healthy to make everything too easy or ensure a child always succeeds. That leads to low self-confidence – a belief that they don’t have what it takes to do things themselves. So, how much challenge is good? Bad? Generally speaking, I’d rather a kid be a little bored at times than always stressed in class. If they’re chronological age is a bit ahead of their peers or they hover around the average, then chances are they won’t usually feel behind. Remember, the early years aren’t a race. Kids have enormous amounts of time ahead of them to catch up and develop (and many develop on their own cognitive timeline anyway. Sometimes fast, slow, often unevenly).

These early years should be about generally keeping up, making friends, getting the basics of behavior down. Learning to keep impulses at bay, while having opportunities to take healthy risks and move beyond their comfort zone. It’s a balance. Every kid is different, but generally speaking, less pressure in the early years leads to happier, more emotionally grounded young adults.

Jason arrived in my office with swollen eyes. He’s normally in good spirits, a twenty-four year old who is the image of youth and strength. Not today. He recently learned his girlfriend of two years cheated on him. He’s devastated. She wants to reconcile, but he’s unsure what to do. Knowing when to trust and open yourself up again versus cut off relationships is emotionally tricky. We do have rules to guide us on protecting ourselves – common sense sayings such as fool me once, shame on you… fool me twice shame on me – but there’s very little to guide us on forgiveness. Whether it’s a loved one, friend, neighbor, or co-worker… here’s a helpful approach I’ve developed. I call it the rule of threes. Here’s what I told Jason.

Rule 1. Don’t solicit an apology. Don’t fish for forgiveness or hint at it. If you do that, it’s meaningless. You’re doing all the work for someone else. If you get an apology, accept it – be gracious – but not overly forgiving. Hold back a bit. Realize that people offer apologies just to keep the peace or lower the tension or decrease their anxiety. So by holding onto your self-respect a bit more, stretching this process out, it sends a clear message that you don’t want this happening in the future. Be aloof, keep conversation and interactions shorter and wait. Respond to every other text, don’t rush to return emails or phone calls. Set fewer plans. This pulling back gives others an opportunity to think about your absence from their lives, your value, that you’re not easily accessible. Or as Jason said it, I don’t want to be seen as a chump.

Rule 2. Let time pass. Don’t forgive completely… not yet. You’ll likely get an inquiry or second apology. Hey what’s up, been noticing we’re not really as close anymore. You’re always busy… are we OK? This is good news. Now you know that the first apology was genuine. Your pulling back really matters to this person and they want to figure a way to get closer, return to your inner circle. Again, be gracious and tell them you appreciate this second apology or attempt to move closer. Tell them you’re feeling better, but you’re probably not 100% there yet. Stay aloof, and continue to wait it out. The space is important. It provides opportunities for the person to miss you.

Rule 3. Move on and truly forgive. Often a loved one or good friend will approach you yet another time and ask if things are OK between you. They might do something special for you out of the blue or try harder than usual to stay close. It’s time to forgive and forget. Let go of the past and start fresh.

While I was outlining these rules, Jason got a text from his girlfriend. He almost broke rule number one. He’s going to have a tough time juggling his anger with the fear that he might lose the relationship. He wants to respond to the text immediately. Tell her off or demand an apology. Or set up a time to meet and talk more about what happened. None of those steps would actually be helpful down the road. They would reduce his anxiety in the short run, but he’d soon be wondering if she’d cheat on him again. I remind Jason that he has to first have faith in himself, and believe he’s valuable before others – his girlfriend especially – will value him. He shakes his head, asks rhetorically why life is so hard, but to his credit shuts down his cell.  I know he’s got a few weeks or months ahead of him that won’t be easy. If he sticks to this plan he’ll have a better chance that a good relationship between him and his girlfriend will develop or he’ll learn he deserves better. If so, as painful as that reality is, it moves him closer to being truly happy.