What is Allowance? Why is it often defined as handing money over to kids on a weekly basis? I define allowance differently. I recommend allowance only when a child needs money for reasonable things (e.g., subway fare… lunch money… a special outing with friends if they’ve been well behaved, etc). This type of allowance helps kids respect the value of money and helps them handle money in the real world. But just giving kids money without any expectations sends the wrong message. Kids in upper middle class (and higher) homes are very lucky. They have extraordinary access to material goods and resources. If parents don’t tie money and privileges to reasonable behavior, children become entitled, and in my experience, often less well behaved. Parents may be scratching their heads wondering… I do everything for them… They have everything they could ever want… Why are they so disagreeable..? Why are they challenging my every request..? Why am i yelling and why am I so exhausted!

If you want to reward your child for keeping up with chores, by all means use explicit rewards. What’s a reward? Anything you give your kids beyond the basics is a reward. What are the basics? Love, good food, clothing (not two-hundred dollar Nikes), medical care, a safe place to live, education. Anything beyond should be earned in some way or another. You need them to keep themselves (and their rooms) clean and organized, manage their responsibilities (i.e., do the homework that’s for their education), and behave respectfully toward you, as well as others outside your home.

Parents often say to me, Hey that’s bribery! Why should I pay them to do what they should be doing already! I agree to some extent. For older children, you would expect them to do much of this without explicit rewards attached. But you have to start somewhere. For young children, it’s often necessary to draw up a chart listing their chores and responsibilities, and the rewards they earn (or privileges that will be removed) if they choose not to comply. That’s not bribing them. A bribe is giving kids a reward up front and hoping they comply. For example, giving a half-hour of screen time after doing a good job on homework is a reward. Ask yourself… are you begging your kids to unplug in order to do their homework? Then you might be doing things backwards.Try reversing it. Always think… they can earn enjoyable things only after doing difficult and less enjoyable activities. This is a variation on the timeless saying… eat your broccoli before having dessert. It trains kids to delay gratification – something many researchers have tied to later life success.

Can you raise boys without raising your voice? Absolutely. Not only is it better for your blood pressure… speaking with calm authority and with purpose works better. Raising your voice only makes you look powerless. Truth is, boys don’t make great eye contact, and in general, also don’t pick up on our spoken words as easily. If you yell, you’ll only look frustrated, and accidentally model anger. When your son ignores you… try this instead:

1. Get eye contact first. Without him looking at you, you don’t have his full attention. Eye contact is very powerful and doesn’t let him off the hook. He can’t pretend he didn’t hear you the first, second time, or the twentieth time you asked him to pick up his socks or shut off his computer.

2. Once you have eye contact, tell him to repeat back what you’ve asked of him. This makes your words his words. It’s now in his head and he can’t as easily ignore what you’ve said. It forms a contract between you.

3. Attach a simple consequence. Pick up your things first, and then we can leave for the park… I’m coming back in a few minutes and if you’re not dressed, then automatic loss of screens tonight when you get home from school. it’s your choice… Repeat what I’ve just said… good… hope you make a good choice and earn the reward…

Remember to use a firm voice, but without much emotion. No second chances. Follow through with the consequence or else you look weak and willing to bend. Boys like a challenge and will try to engage you in a fight. Stay calm and walk off. By doing these simple three steps over and over at home, he’ll develop good social habits for when he’s asked to follow through at school on things he doesn’t like or finds challenging.

A mom recently asked, what works better… rewards or consequences? Is it better to offer something nice if your child does what’s asked or better to threaten that you’ll take privileges away when they don’t do what’s asked? The answer is to try using both. Two techniques give you more options. It doubles your parent power. Without rewards, there isn’t much incentive for kids to push themselves and try harder… and without consequences, children don’t push themselves and develop unrealistic expectations that things will always go their way.

Here are some things to think about:

If your child has it too cushy… that is they tend to get what they want and you find yourself having to remind or scream frequently to get compliance… don’t use more rewards. In this case, think of consequences. You’ll need to change a few things. Tell your kids that everything they’ve been getting has to now be earned (e.g., screen time, treats, special outings, non essential clothing, etc.) Even play-dates can be temporarily put on the chopping block until kids realize there’s no free lunch so to speak. Expect they won’t like this new show of parent power. It will feel unfair and they’ll protest. Expect a fight. Ignore these attempts to make you change your mind. Soon, they’ll come around and begin to listen better if they truly value the rewards.

If you’ve got too many consequences in place, you can add rewards by upping your expectations. Tell them you want to give them something new or fun and that you’ll offer a new task to earn it. For example, watching a movie of their choice on the weekend if they can get ready more cooperatively and independently in the morning. Don’t make it too easy for them. If they don’t work for these rewards (i.e., you give too many reminders), they won’t be proud of themselves when they finally do achieve it. Also don’t be angry with them if they don’t do it at first. Stay neutral, maybe a bit encouraging… I think you’ll probably do this in a few days or weeks… you’re smart… you like proving that you can do things more on your own…

Finally, be careful not to get trapped into the bad guy role. Kids often accuse their parents of being unfair and making up arbitrary rules just to feel powerful. Sometimes this gets parents to feel bad and back down. Don’t. Instead, join in with them. Tell them you appreciate how upset they are…  you feel upset that they made a bad choice (by not listening or doing what was expected). You’re sad too that you can’t give them what they enjoy. Perhaps you also get punished because you can’t watch a movie with them or go out for a fun dinner. Tell them that tomorrow is another day and you’re predicting they’ll make a better choice tomorrow and earn back their rewards. Let them know, that’s what makes you happy.

With two children of the same gender, I hate to buy 2 of everything or something that is not age appropriate for one… yet the kids don’t want to “share” a brand new present. How do we tackle gift giving that doesn’t foster serious sibling rivalry?

Sibling rivalry, while normal and healthy, often gets out of control. Many parents ask me how they can be fair with their children who are of different ages and have different needs. How can they stop the fighting or demands to get what their sibs have or want? One parent tells me she can’t pour milk without the kids demanding they get exactly the same. They actually measure the height with their fingers. Others parents can’t drive without fights over who sits in front. Even when parents attempt to be fair, most children only seem to want more constantly. What’s the solution?

The best approach is to give up trying to slice everything down the middle. Define for children what “Fair” really means. Turns out, fair isn’t that everyone gets exactly the same… It means we get what we need or deserve. For example, a five year old feels upset because his older brother receives a bike on his birthday. There are two important things going on. First, it’s important the five year old understand that he’s not old enough to have a bike like his brother. He’s developmentally not ready. His legs and arms and body aren’t yet ready to ride the bike safely. When he’s older he can get one. Sure he’ll cry, but that’s his way of recognizing the world can be tough at times. Second, the five year old learns that he can’t get a present every time someone else does. Birthdays are worth waiting for, and that’s what makes them special. He’s learning to hold back his desires and be rewarded down the road. Many researchers feel this is what helps children become happy and successful adults – learning to delay gratification.

What about sharing? That’s really tricky. Do you buy two of the same thing simply because each child wants one for themselves? If you do, you might hear less fighting, but it won’t last. You’ll be accidentally communicating the wrong message – that the world had unlimited things and that we don’t have to share our resources (or match box cars, etc.). Certain toys may not be easily shared of course, but think about the message you’re sending just to keep the peace. Particularly in these difficult economic times, with so many children far less fortunate, a better message to convey would be we can’t always have what we want when we want it… it makes me sad and upset too, but maybe we can enjoy the things we do have now and wait… maybe if we’re nicer to other they’ll share… maybe we can offer something to them too.

Readers’ Question: how do long commutes to school and back (30 mins or more) affect active boys, and long-term effects on their learning, family life and physical health? How do parents deal with long commutes with kids in the car, their own time management and energy levels, and if people have chosen a neighborhood school over a more desirable but far away school. As we consider school options for our soon to be Kindergartner, the issue of long commutes and its implications is becoming a significant one.

These days we’re all squeezed for time, and for many of us, commutes seems to be getting longer. One study reports that 3.5 million Americans spend more than three hours a day commuting to and from work. It’s not only adults who are affected. Children have long commutes to and from school, and it may be causing problems.

Spending hours on a bus or in a car, stuck in traffic, rushing to school, then going from school to various activities, no doubt raises stress levels in many children. Beyond the travel itself, long commutes eat into valuable time to socialize, get homework done, and engage in play activities that balance out an otherwise academic-heavy day.

Children who live close to school and can safely bike or walk get more exercise. One study showed it can add as much as 24 minutes per day of moderate to vigorous exercise. That goes a long way toward meeting the minimum one-hour per day of recommended physical exercise children need. Studies also suggest that kids who walk or bike to school are less likely to become obese (i.e., they have a lower body mass index) and have better cardiovascular health.

The fix? If you can, walk or bike to school. If you have concerns about sidewalks and bike paths to ensure safety, contact your local officials. Many cities and towns across the country are actively improving ways to encourage people to walk and bike more in their neighborhoods.

To encourage kids, it’s more fun when a small group can go together. Have adults accompany younger kids. Schools have reading clubs, why not ask your school to start a bike and walking club – with points that kids can tally and use to monitor their distance over each week and month. Provide incentives for reaching certain goals and for staying in these types of health-fostering programs.

At home, you can help reverse the stressful effects of long daily commutes piled onto hours of sitting at school. Get kids outside for a few minutes right after they arrive home, as well as after homework. Consider taking a short walk before dinner. Try to strike more of a balance between your indoor-living (sitting, working, screen time) and outdoor-living (movement, sports, recreation). Exposure to natural settings, even in brief 10-15 minute bursts, has been shown to help kids focus better once inside. It also will improve their sleep and help them maintain a more balanced mood. Why not join them? This helps us feel better too.